Heart. Broken.

I just wish I could talk to my brother one more time, and know he's okay, and know that I'll see him again.

You say it's your birthday

Last Tuesday I turned 28. I haven't been looking forward to my birthday at all. I think it's because my brother passed away just 2 months back, and it's an IN YOUR FACE reminder that I'm getting older...and Eric won't. It's a very weird and almost scary feeling for me to think I'll have 30, 40, 50 more years worth of birthdays and my brother will be frozen at 29. So I was really depressed about that all week. I finally had a cry on Thursday and felt a bit better. I ALSO had the flu last week, which really zapped my energy and made me "blah" all week.

But, I'm trying to be a little more chipper! I did get a gift from my wonderful husband that I'd been lusting after: a 50mm 1.4 lens. It's referred to as a portrait lens since 50mm is the perspective the eye typically sees the world with. It's also a prime lens, which means it doesn't zoom. Prime lenses tend to render sharper images. And lastly, for the flash-phobic photographer, it has an aperture of 1.4, which means it lets in LOTS of light and provides more opportunity to take pictures without flash. It's a really kick-ass lens and I'm enjoying playing with it! One item on my list down...only 43 or so to go!

I also I guess KIND OF bought a birthday present for myself a few weeks back, a T-Mobile myTouch phone. I had an unfortunate incident with my BlackBerry and some pop (heh, I'm from the Midwest) and my screen was completely kaput. It all worked out since I was able to upgrade my phone without paying an exorbinant price and I LOVE all the cool features the phone has. I really couldn't get jack for internet on my BlackBerry and had the scroll the hell out of a website to get where I needed to go. This has one of those cool touch screens where you can scroll down the page yourself or move things off the screen. The only problem: I bought it BEFORE I called IT and it turns out they only send work emails through BlackBerries. This sucks, but I'm convinced there's a work-around. I just need to figure it out.


We also recently had some friends over for dinner along with their one-year-old, which was fun. They're the type of people that are hyper aware of their kid and were almost apologizing for his presence, which was funny, since he's really sweet and well-behaved. I guess it's better than the parents that let their kid run around your house with sticky stuff on their hands. Isn't he cute?




Big Bear had opened up last weekend, as it got cold enough for them to make snow, so we decided to be ambitious and head out there. It was PACKED and they only had one run open. It was beautiful out, in the 60's and we got in a good number of runs. I'm a huge wimp the first time I go out and need a bunny hill to start on, and this hill had some steepness to it. I fell a LOT and my poor knee bruises are just starting to fade. I still LOVE snowboarding, though, which is odd. If I'm bad at something, I usually give up pretty quickly. I think we need to wait for more snow and then I need to take some lessons. I'm doing SOMETHING wrong, that's for sure.


We had a very chill weekend. Thanksgiving/Vegas is just around the corner, so we've been relaxing at home since we know we're going to live it up here shortly!

San Diego Zoo

So my parents, or the P and G Connection as I like to call them, came into town a few weeks back. I took a day off work so we could do something together while they were in town. We headed out to the San Diego Zoo. It's one of those touristy things we've always wanted, but neglected, to do.

The last time my parents were in town they were zipping all over the place. I still believe they've been to the beach more in their cumulative 14 day stay than we have the entire time we've lived in California. HOWEVER, they had never been to In N' Out. Once we discovered this, we found one close to the zoo so we could eat up! Here's the token photograph of my parents (that I demanded they take).

And then on to the zoo. We were there around 11:30, and being that it was Friday, it wasn't too packed. Printed on the tickets was a notice that no photographs taken could be used for commercial use. I did see a LOT of pro lenses throughout the day there. I imagine it could be pretty easy to just post your giraffe pictures to istockphoto, and they were probably running into issues with that.

Koalas. Did you know koala sleep 22 hours a day? And are endangered? Now koalas...I want to feel sorry for you...but maybe you should give up one hour of your sleep time and dedicate that time to more bowchickabowbow. Just sayin'.

Giraffes. I LOVE giraffes! They walk surprisingly fast. And have you ever seen giraffes fight? They fight with their NECKS! It's crazy! I've long said I want someone to start breeding giraffes that only get a foot high. WHO WOULDN'T WANT A GIRAFFE THAT SIZE? How cool would you look walking around your foot-high giraffe around the neighborhood? COME ON!

There were actual children waiting in line for this type of picture. Whatever, kids.

My pops and some camels. Camels are disgusting. They smell and their humps are all floppy. They are not lovely lady lumps.

Again with the sleeping. Seriously, Panda, I want to help you. But you have to help yourSELF.

Mr. Marsh. He's actually on the phone. I forced him to do this. Tee hee.

The reptile house was pretty cool. I like this snake, because it's all yellow. However, it's yellowness is what makes its survival rate low, since it doesn't blend in so much. Poor snakey! Isn't this the snake Britney wore on that one MTV VMA award show? Yes?

Flamingos are fun to watch. They stand up weird. They have weird legs. They're pink!

Elephants! I really enjoyed looking at the elephants, just cause they're so crazy with their trunks. They have a pretty big space, which made me happy. A lot of the animals at the zoo were pretty chill, which I think is the norm when you're in captivity. In some cases in made me kind of sad. I know they're treated well, and I'm not exactly an animal rights activist, but when you see a panther or snow leopard in a cage, just pacing, it's kind of a bummer. I think next time I'd like to check out the Wild Animal Park. In any case, we had a great time and were EXHAUSTED by the end! If there's any zoo that's work checking out, it's the San Diego Zoo!

It's in the photograph

About 2 or so weeks ago now, Mr. Marsh and I headed to the Hollywood Palladium to check out one of our very favorite bands, Weezer. Oddly enough, this interest has only been revived in the past year or so. I've always been a fan of Weezer. I distinctly remember jamming out to "Buddy Holly" and "Undone" at middle school dances. I've purchased their albums. But I was never a true, I-NEED-to-see-these-guys-in-concert kind of fan until their Red album. Now, I know the true Weezer fans will scoff at this. Pinkerton and The Blue Album are THE epic Weezer albums, but I really fell in love with The Red Album when it came out. Mr. Marsh has Zune, which means he has Rhapsody, and he kept playing it over and over on his computer. We spend a LOT of time together in our office, and I started loving this album. I mean, other than the songs not sung by Rivers. Two songs in particular I love, Pig and King, were never released on the radio, but remain some of my favorites. I just downloaded Pinkerton and The Blue Album so I may have a different opinion in a few weeks!

Anyway, back to the concert! The Hollywood Palladium is a general-admission venue, which I've heard is good and bad. There's only a couple of options: head to the floor, or go to the balcony. The floor is only worth it if you get in line 2 hours before the door opens and can be right at the edge of the stage. That would be COMPLETELY worth it, but we weren't at the doors at 5:00, so we headed right to the balcony. There are actually 2 balconies, one for general admission, and one for VIP. VIP didn't even seem worth it. Yes, there were little tables and it looked like those people had their own server, but they all ended up clustered by the edge of balcony anyway. Suckers!

These pictures are really bad, by the way. You're not supposed to bring any cameras in the Palladium, but we managed to sneak in a point-and-shoot.

The first band was called Wax. They were all right, but just kind of boring. Nothing all that spectacular about them. I think the guy was friends with Rivers or something.

After Wax, the main event finally came on board: Weezer! In white jumpsuits. And with a trampoline on stage. Hell yeah.

I have heard stories of Rivers not singing at concerts before. Fortunately, that was not the case this time! He was very high energy and a lot of fun. The concert opened with "Hash Pipe." There was one time Rivers ran off stage and one of the guitarists sang "My Name is Jonas," but that's not much to complain about.

That woman on the stage is Sara Barrielles. She came onstage to sing their new song out, "(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To" with the band. A fun and surprising appearance.

After leaving the concert, I was saying loudly (and drunkly), "I WANT MOZZARELLA STICKS." Fortunately, we were greeted by "street meat," which was, I believe, hot dogs, wrapped in bacon and topped with grilled peppers and onions. OHMYGODSOGOOD!!! The picture is TERRIBLE but boy did those hit the spot!

Philosophy overload

Well, my parents were in town for a week and left on Saturday. It was really nice but EXHAUSTING at the same time. No, they’re not active people. We weren’t jogging around the condo complex after work. But this is what my typical weeknight routine looks like:

1. Get home around 7:00 and eat something simple
2. 7:30 to 9:30: Get ready for work the next day, put out workout clothes, mess around on the internet, watch TV, chat with Mr. Marsh, etc
3. 9:30 – Bed.

So, my evening routine is very sedentary. It is very tiring to come home, after being up since 5:00 or earlier, and eat dinner with everyone, and then TALK the rest of the evening. Last time they were out, we played some Wii, watched some TV, etc., but they (re: my mom) were having none of that this time. They went out to dinner one evening with a cousin of mine, and I said, “Quick! Turn on the TV! We need to see what’s in the DVR!”

We had our fair share of talking about Eric, and unfortunately, religion. The night before they left, I gave my mom photo prints of all the pictures I had taken of Eric over the years. This led to too much conversation, in my opinion. The first was my mom saying she wished there had been something MORE to attribute to Eric’s death, like a faulty car or a fight or the like, I assume. I think that’s because she has a hard time thinking that Eric played a huge role in his death. It was an accident, of course, but he was 3 times over the legal limit and he wasn’t thinking and his reflexes weren’t quite as sharp as they could be. Based on the incomplete police report, we think he was in his car, put it in reverse, and then maybe remembered something, got out, the door was open, he either tripped or it knocked him over, and the car rolled over his leg, pinning him down, and then his chest, which suffocated him. I personally don’t WANT anything else to be involved because then it’s just another “if only.” If only Eric had had his car serviced. If only Eric had gone home instead of to the bar. You can “if only” the situation until the end of days.

My mom said she sometimes get mad at Eric. So do I. If Eric had had his life together, been married, had a REAL job, he wouldn’t have been going out. But I guess that’s another if only.

At first, my mom said, she was rather peaceful. She felt like, “Oh well, less kids to worry about.” She said she felt in some ways she was lucky, being that she and my dad are closer to “seeing” Eric again. I think maybe those reactions were shock. Now, she’s in a state of questioning everything. She’s worried that what she believes in, Catholicism, is wrong. Maybe she won’t see Eric again. Maybe she didn’t do enough to teach Eric about religion.

That’s actually what kicked off the whole religion topic. She asked me what I thought about where Eric was. I said I think Eric is somewhere good, but part of the reason I’m not a religious person is I think we, as humans, are silly to try to define what it is. My mom believes Eric is in Purgatory, which in Catholic terms is the place between Hell and Heaven, and people on Earth are supposed to pray for those souls so they can go to Heaven. I said I don’t think that’s real, and that how can my prayers have any impact on Eric’s soul? His life is over. What’s done is done. But I did tell my mom I would say a prayer for him each night, to honor her beliefs. I don’t know if I’m right.

I know I’m philosophically like my dad in this regard. He goes to church each week because of my mom, but we’ve talked before and we’re aligned the same way. I have a hard time believing if you don’t believe in Jesus Christ, you’re going to Hell. I lean Christian, because of how I was raised, but I don’t believe Muslims and Hindus are headed for a fiery pit.

It’s tough. You’re supposed to lean on religion in these times. It’s easy to believe when you’re not challenged. My mom is really struggling right now. Even though she said prior she believes this happened for a reason, she told me last week that whatever reason there is isn’t good enough.

Of all my beliefs, what's sometimes the hardest is I don’t know if I’ll see Eric again. I guess if there’s nothing when you die, I won’t know if I won’t see him again, so why does it matter. I said to Mr. Marsh yesterday, “Eric died when he was young. Will it be weird, if I see him again, if I’m old?” He said, “Who’s to say we have a physical appearance at all in the afterlife?” Well, duh. Again, a human mind trying to interpret the afterlife. It is just too limited.

We did manage to do a few fun things - we checked out the OC Swap Meet, had dinner a few times, and went to the San Diego Zoo. We also ditched my parents the first night they were in to see Weezer in Hollywood. Those entries (with pictures!) are upcoming!

On an island

Moving to California was something Mr. Marsh and I did with excitement. We love it here. I have often said I am part plant and I need sunshine to function. Living here is such a pleasant change from the 8+ months (or so it seems while it’s going on) of winter.

That being said…it sucks being out here with what’s happened. My brothers and my parents and I talk ALL the time, but it’s just not the same. Today I saw on FB my cousin Sarah was expecting “Kyle and Kendra” out tonight, so I texted my brother, and sure enough, he’s driving to North Carolina for the weekend to hang out. Admittedly, I didn’t do a whole lot of stuff like that WHILE I was in Michigan, but it bums me out I don’t have the option now. We’ve actually seen a LOT of family this year. I remember my Uncle Tim and his family, who lived in California years ago, would sometimes only come out every 3 years, and we make a lot more effort. But everything’s planned, and I don’t just have the option to go to Craig’s and hang out for a couple of hours. This weekend, my brothers are throwing a Halloween party at Craig’s (where Eric used to live) and I’m SO bummed I can’t be there. Eric LOVED Halloween. He loved candy. Like, to the point when he was still trick-or-treating when he was 18. Yep. He would always make a big deal about it, and last year they hosted a party that was very successful. He was already planning this year’s extravaganza before he passed. So the party is very much in his honor, and I’m disappointed I can’t be there.

I don’t want to move back home…I just want to be uber-rich NOW with a lot of flexibility in my job so I can go home for stuff like this. I already have the flexibility, now I just have to become a kabillionaire so we can get that private plane.

Today was kind of rough. I just had a frustrating week at work, which bleeds into my general depression. I had ordered some photos to hang up, one of which was the last picture taken of me and my family in Chicago:

As I opened up the envelope and looked at it, I began to cry. It's been a weepy evening. I said to Mr. Marsh today maybe I need to see a therapist. I'm confused. Some days I'm fine, some days I am broken. I guess everyone grieves differently. I can't say to someone, "How should I be grieving NOW?" I don't know. I just want to make sure I'm not suppressing it. I was reading a book that says you need to take some time each day to grieve, and I haven't been doing that much during the work week. I mean, I have pangs of sadness during the day, but I don't actually stop and reflect and FEEL often. I dunno. Maybe I should stop analyzing myself and just BE.

A few things to be excited about - my parents are coming out tomorrow for a week! That should be a lot of fun. We haven't solidified all plans yet, but I'm looking forward to seeing them. I'm also going to see WEEZER tomorrow! I LOVE Weezer, and we missed 2 big concerts this year. I'm not super-excited to drive out to Hollywood, but dammit, it's Weezer! I'm so freaking excited!

Vegas, baby

We need a vacation.

We were supposed to go to Hawaii the week of Labor Day, but well, Eric passed away, so that didn’t exactly happen. It’s the ONLY time Priceline has ever kicked us in the ass. Who checks the insurance option? Not us, and though we got a great price on the hotel room, it’s hard to just kiss $800 buh-bye. Mr. Marsh ALSO cashed in all his Marriott Reward points for a $1,000 certificate good at Marriott hotels. I didn’t think twice about this, thinking we would be able to use it for hotel rooms, but it turns out we can only use it for food, spa, etc. at Marriott hotels, and we only have a year to use them! Ugh. We’re going to do our darndest, obviously, but we haven’t exactly been diving into piles of gold coins this year with Mr. Marsh starting his business venture.

In any case, though we hadn’t originally planned on it, we’re going back home for Christmas. It’s going to be a tough holiday season, and I feel I need to be home with my family. Since we moved, though, such trips are HARDLY a vacation. The days are packed, between the festivities and trying to squeeze in all our family and friends in a short time frame. We come back exhausted.

So Mr. Marsh had the great idea we should go to VEGAS for Thanksgiving. I love a relaxing beach vacation over almost anything, but I just ADORE the indulgence of Vegas. I love the fact that we can either completely relax, or live it up. I love the buffets (Planet Hollywood Spice Market buffet is top-notch), the atmosphere, the shows, the heat, the complete over-stimulation. I’m really excited! We’re going to stay at Planet Hollywood, which is my favorite hotel to stay at, if only because it’s connected to a mall and all the amenities that go along with it. With Mr. Marsh working 14+ hours a day right now, he really needs this.

My site for Eric is almost done! It’s a mix of excitement and sadness. I’m excited to be able to memorialize him in this way. I’m sad that I even have to be doing this. That’s kind of what it’s like right now. You think about the good memories, about the person that Eric was, and then the reality hits you.

I spoke with my brother Craig last weekend for THREE HOURS. Outside of Mr. Marsh, I don’t think I’ve EVER had a phone conversation that long. I won’t go into details, but he’s pissed at the bar my brother was at after-hours and wants to sue them, if nothing, to cover the funeral costs for my parents. The bar is super-shady and I think it’s at least worth looking it to. I’m not sure if my parents really want to deal with that, but this bar can’t continue to operate the way it has been. My brother was telling me they constantly serve underage people, and the bar’s been known to have people using drugs on its premise.

This kind of thing numbs you from other tragedies. I was reminded of this when Michael Jackson died. I was actually sad. Not a lot, I shed no tears, but I felt sad. "He was so young. So talented." When Eric died...that just changed everything. I don't FEEL the same way I used to. I told Mr. Marsh, "I don't think I'll cry when my grandpa dies." Everything just pales, just feels like a shadow compared to the tragedy. And at the same time, I'm sure people who have had siblings who have died young, may look at ME with envy. It's all a matter of perspective.

I'm reading a book which talks about sibling death, and it really shocks me. First off, people always look to the parents first, since theirs is the worse tragedy. I admit, I can't know how my parents are feeling. But being a sibling, knowing how devastated I am, and knowing I was not half as close to Eric as my other brothers are...I'm shocked people ignore sibling grief, and they do. In this book, there are a lot of examples where siblings died young, and so many people had trouble later in life, because their parents shut the door to the deceased's room and refused to discuss it. Seriously...how could you think that would NOT be damaging to your kids? I'm at least grateful my family talks about Eric freely, and we all acknowledge each other's grief.

It's Friday night...I'm looking forward to relaxing this weekend. My parents are coming in town for a week next Saturday. They typically have their own packed schedule, so I'm preparing for the busy-ness!